Secrets..... :/

I won't lie, I was...well, am...a little nervous to write this one because there are things that I haven't really told anyone and I don't really care if anyone disagrees, but I just cannot stand it when someone is disappointed in me. This is almost an extension of "Big Things Come In Small Packages" but this is more of like secrets; hence the name.

Anyways, have you ever noticed that if someone says they are mad at you, yeah it kinda hurts and you want to try and fix it but if someone tells you they are disappointed in you...damn. I have made my mom tell me that once in my entire life and it fucking sucked. I never noticed how much it sucked until she said it to me for the first time but I did deserve it. I don't like talking about that though. Like, I have things in my life that I have done that I wish I could erase because they just make me so uncomfortable to think about. So, that's why I'm moving on. lol. Does music change your mood? I thought I was bipolar for a while, not just b.c of this, but I could be so pissed off and then I listen to some country song and I'll drive around for an hour, going on dirt roads and back roads and I'll feel better. I do hate being a girl, and not just because of the period thing, but because our emotions never just stay the same for more than an hour. Like, some of the fights Timmy and I get in are just because I feel like being a bitch and I HATE that. I feel so bad for him after that because he puts up with it. He loves me =)

I hope everyone has a weird friend. lol. And damn it I do mean weird. Like, he, himself isn't weird....wait...yes he is. But What I meant is that our relationship is weird. Patrick, the guy from "Long Lost Friend", has been my best friend since I was a freshman in high school. So, 7 years. And sweet mother of fucking christ we have been through hell and back and mostly because we caused each other hell. We dated 3 or 4 times and let's just say, city hall would probably fall if we were together but we still can't help but talk to each other. For example, for about 5 years, it was inevitable that around xmas every year we got into some stupid fight, so we wouldn't talk during xmas and then right after we started talking again. That stopped about 2-3 years ago. Thank god. We still had a fight back in June but I think it was the last because it was a BIG one. And we just agreed to disagree because It's about something that one of us would have to....suffer with...as i say =). And I would love to see his face when he reads this because he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Hi Patty =). I'm sure he knows this, but I HATE that I sleep walk. Yeah, it was kinda cool when I was 10 but being 21 and having my own car and keys and knowing how to open a door is my sleep is fucking creepy. Some people I know would like to put up a camera to see what I do but to be honest I don't want to watch myself like that. I almost feel like the reason I sleep walk is because I'm possessed. Yes, I know that not the reason but if I watch myself walk around like a mindless zombie, then that's what I'm going to think. Have you ever heard, "If I could go back.."? Now that phrase should be against the law because of how much it gets used. There are certain tiny things that I would love to go back in time and change but who knows how they would change my life right now. Hmm...what would I go change? I wouldn't get my very first tattoo that I got 2 days after my ex dumped me on our anniversary. (Don't feel bad, it was almost 3 years ago.) I'm actually in the middle of saving for a tattoo to cover it up =). No, it doesn't have his name, I'm not that stupid. Speaking of tattoos, here is an interesting fact that I'll bet you $100 you wouldn't of guessed about me, the pain while getting a tattoo...I love it. I don't know if it's an adrenaline rush, or makes me feel alive, or what. But it is amazing. It fucking hurts but while getting the tattoo(depending on where it is) I just keep thinking that I don't want it to ever end. Then about an hour into it I'm over the pain and want it to stop lol. I smile on the inside when generations before me give me dirty looks because I have tattoos. And I won't lie, I almost hate that they are so acceptable now b.c EVERYONE has one. When you graduate high school, it seems to be the "thing to do" and its rather annoying. I truly love my ink and just so happen to want to make my body a canvas. I truly believe these people right out of HS get a tattoo so they can feel cool, or socially accepted. Speaking of being socially accepted, I hated the chicks in high school who told people that they were into girls too just so other people would think they were cool. I was never one of those people. Although, when I was 19 I had decided that I was emotionally and physically attracted to girls just as well as boys. No, I'm not a lesbian. So, please don't ask stupid questions. And do not judge me because of it. It feels good to finally get it off my chest and I know that most of you already knew but still; it is not something I just go around announcing. But, I also see no reason to either lie about it or keep it a secret.

There is nothing I would want more than to be able to tell you that I'm the perfect daughter, or the perfect sister, or perfect friend. I have messed up an interesting amount of time in my life but I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I hope you realize that I'm a far deeper person than I chose to let on. I love country and rock music. I am most comfy in jeans and a t-shirt and I plan to have a good amount of tattoos when I win the lottery lol. For now, don't judge me, just bee happy that I am a strong enough person to admit everything that I have and probably will in the future. =)

Peace.
Kaitlyn Nicole =)